Music and My Future

Hm. It's about 1:30 but instead of feeling EXTREMELY tired I'm pensive and relaxed. :) And I want to blog! Yay for blogging!

So I've recently found this new musician (through a friend) named Joe Brooks (pictured above), and I can't get over his voice and his songs (and his cuteness LOL) at the moment. His voice is so... calming and peaceful. And yet he can sing upbeat songs too and it works. His voice is rich and creamy and appealing especially to female ears - at least, to my ears, haha. And his songs - I think he writes his own songs - and they're amazing too. :) I love them all.

The thing with love songs, though, is that I never listen to them as if that singer was singing to ME. Perhaps I should do that one day. Consciously listen to the words and pretend that this singer was a boy who knew me and was singing to me. That'd be nice, haha. Or maybe I should wait till that actually happens in real life. Assuming that that WOULD happen to someone like ME in real life. >.>

I was thinking a lot about my future today, particularly cuz my family is facing a decision that will significantly change our current lives and lifestyle (which I don't want to elaborate on here - blogs are too public for personal things like that :P), and I realized that I only have a couple of years left before I'm gonna be thrust into open water and will be forced to float on my own in the world. I hope I'm capable of making it on my own. I know my older brother is, and he's proving it right now by being at college miles and miles away, but I don't know if I'm made of the same durable stuff he apparently is made of. I'm pretty confident that my college roomies and teachers and ppl in general will be nice and friendly to me, and I'll probably make a bunch of friends. Hopefully. But it's always the fear and anticipation before actually going through something that produces anxiety and worry, right?

I wonder how much I truly lean on my parents. I wonder if I'd be able to make it in this life without them. I wonder when I'll be able to finally be completely independent. I suppose it's ok to need people and rely on them at my current age because, come on, I'm still a youth - a kid, for goodness' sake! I hate how the world demands me to be more "grown up" when I'm still really sheltered, naive, somewhat innocent of the world's perversion, and totally confused as to my place in the world. Give me more time, people!

What a Chick-Flick Led Me to Realize

So I pretty much spent all Saturday afternoon till night watching chick-flicks- ya know, the two Cinderella Stories, with Hillary Duff and Selena Gomez, and A Walk to Remember, and the ending of The Perfect Man (again with Hillary Duff). I had never watched The Perfect Man before, and I still haven't watched it all (but it looks like a good movie - I'd like to watch it all sometime), but from what I gather it's about a single mom and her two daughters, and she's looking for someone to marry so she won't be alone when her daughters grow up and leave her (and of course Hillary, one of the daughters, ends up with someone too. It's a chick-flick, duh!). But because she's afraid of letting people in b/c she doesn't want to get hurt, she constantly moves across the country. So life in one place for the two girls is very ephemeral - they got used to it, though.

But at the end of the movie, the mom and the daughters all realize that running away won't solve anything, and that the real adventure is sticking through a tough or scary situation and making it through ok. And I remember that the character that Hillary was playing was narrating at the end, and she said something about how she actually used nails to hang up her posters and shtuff on her bedroom walls - a sign of permanence.

And that line just hit me. Cuz in my room, I don't use nails, except for my calendar. I use tape. And paperclips, to stick the tape on, cuz I don't want it ripping the paper I put up on my walls. And I never realized why I did that. Sure, some of the reason was because I'm a weird person who doesn't like punching holes into the wall, but the main, underlying, unconscious reason was because when I moved into this house, I had an unconscious thought that we would be moving in 3 or 4 years, so why use nails?

Ever since I was born in Nebraska my family had moved about every 3 years - usually to another state, although once or twice we remained in the same state. But the point was that I was raised being so used to moving. I never really missed anyone any time we moved b/c, I guess, I didn't really get to know ppl that well. Of course I had made some good friends, but it never really hurt to say goodbye to them. I was leaving, on a new adventure, and pretty soon after that I'd probably leave in a couple years for another one. That's how I thought - unconsciously, anyways.

So after a while I began to start up this habit of using paper clips and tape to "hang" things up in my room. I guess I never got rid of that habit, since I did that to my current room... and I've been living in this room for, mmm, 5 years. And I've been living in California for, like, a little over 7 years. MAN.

So that movie totally jerked me awake as to the state of my consciousness. I guess, this whole time I've been unconsciously waiting for my parents to say one more time, "Hey Jennifer, we're leaving for Alaska" or some other distant place across the country... I put my drawings and papers up on my wall and treat them carefully so that they'll last... b/c I might have to take them down and repost them in another room later on.

Except this time, if my parents were to say something like that to me, I'd definitely feel something for my friends that I'd have to leave. I'd definitely be upset, and probably throw tantrums or crying fits. Cuz, I guess, California's become my home now. What a weird revelation, to come to me after 7 years...

Well. To be honest. I kinda miss New York. That place was the closest I'd ever come to laying down my roots, but before I could do that my parents dug me up and planted me down in California. Guess I'm a So-Cali person now. Hmmm... it feels weird, finally accepting that fact.

In the future, I might leave San Diego for whatever college I choose to go to. I might go out of state - maybe even abroad, for a few years (what fun that would be! :D). And I might not choose to live in San Diego, or even in California, during my adult hood. (Perhaps I'll return to my first love, New York, hehehe. <3)

But for now, I guess my roots are here. I've finally settled down. :)